


meanwhile, back in the mansion

by coraxes



Series: CR Ficlet Bundle [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Ficlet Collection, Gen, M/M, Multi, Vox Machina campaign, reposted from tumblr, warnings/summaries posted individually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2018-07-13
Packaged: 2018-08-23 16:49:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 6,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8335087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coraxes/pseuds/coraxes
Summary: A collection of tumblr ficlets too short to get their own story, some prompted, some not.  Because all the cool kids are doing it.Marking this complete now that the first campaign is over, but any future short prompts for these folks will still go here.15. love potion [vaxgrog]16. pranks [vaxgrog]17. push-ups [vaxgrog]





	1. having fun, dear [genderbent perc'ahlia]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: your take on genderbent perc'ahlia?
> 
> notes: tbh i don’t see too much changing with their genders, but it’s still fun so here’s a little future-fic-ish drabble. you know how perc’ahlia is made for a regency au? this is canon, but also kinda a regency au. post-conclave, whitestone has a ball. aaaaand i’m too lazy to figure out alternate names so it’s still vex and percy–they’re both nicknames anyway so w/e. not established relationship.

“Aren’t you having fun, dear?” Vex asked, leaning against the wall near Percy.  She had never been one for dancing, was much too caught up in her workshop to ever bother to learn much.  Vex, on the other hand, had owned the dance floor for the most of the night–she hadn’t been able to look away.

Then again, perhaps that was her partiality showing.

“I feel ridiculous in this dress,” said Percy instead.  She had never been very feminine–kept her hair chopped short so it didn’t fall into the forge, wore shirts and trousers instead of dresses for the freedom of movement.  The few occasions she had worn dresses, she had made a huge fuss until her mother had stopped making her.  


Vex laughed.  “Then why did you wear it?  You look rather dashing in a suit, anyway.”

He was one to talk.  Percy took a sip of her champagne.  “It was a fancy, I suppose.”  When she had tried it on in her room, she had been thinking perhaps now that she was older she would feel comfortable, perhaps he would think–

“Well, I think you look gorgeous.”  


She tried very hard not to blush.  “Thank you.  You aren’t so bad yourself.”

Vex offered her his hand.  “It would be a shame not to show it off.”

“No one who sees my dancing could say I’m  _showing off,”_ said Percy.  


“Who gives a damn?” said Vex.  “It’s fun.  We just defeated four dragons, darling.  Both of us _died._ It would be nice to have a bit of fun, after all that.”  


Temptation warred with good sense, and won out.  “Oh, fine,” Percy huffed, and let Vex tug her onto the dance floor.


	2. feathers [perc'ahlia]

Percy rolled the vibrant stems of the feathers between his fingers.  The price was truly exorbitant, but they were so vibrant…usually her feathers were blue, but purple would look lovely too.

 

“I’ll take five,” he told the vendor, and handed over gold from his personal funds. It was, after all, a gift.

 

Percy tucked the feathers neatly into his coat and waited for the right moment. He caught her after dinner when they all separated to go to bed; her room was near his (thank you, Scanlan) so it wasn’t very difficult. “I’ve bought you something lovely,” he said. “I’m making something, too, but I saw these…” He pulled the feathers from his coat.

 

Vex blinked, surprised, and ran her fingertip lightly along one of the feathers’ soft edges. They looked more like flowers than feathers, long and thin and delicately curling. “They are lovely. Thank you, Percy.” She turned her head to the side and gave him a wink. “Would you mind tucking them in?”

 

Percy winked back, grinning, and leaned forward to tuck the spray of feathers behind her ear. Just as he did so, Vex turned and kissed him on the cheek, just near the corner of his mouth.

 

“Thank you, darling, for remembering.”

 

“Of course,” said Percy. “Happy birthday, Lady Vex’ahlia.”


	3. cuddles [perc'ahlia]

Vex stretched out on the bed next to Percy, her fingers trailing lightly through his hair. He was snoring–something he would deny if she ever told him so when he was awake–but she didn’t mind. Snoring meant breathing meant he was alive.

 

What was she doing? Her friends knew she was in love with him; everyone but Percy knew she was in love with him. Times like these, she let herself hope he might feel the same.

 

He had caught her coming to check on him. Vex hadn’t been able to sleep, could only see Percy’s body falling as Ripley shot him; all she had meant to do was reassure herself he was alright. But Percy had woken up as she approached the bed.

 

“Dear?” he had said, voice still heavy with sleep.

 

“It’s nothing,” she had said quickly. “I didn’t mean to wake you.” Vex had backed away, but Percy had flailed around for his glasses and then sat up.

 

“Would you mind terribly…” He had cleared his throat. “Could you stay? I don’t mean to impose, but…my dreams have not been pleasant, as of late.”

 

She couldn’t refuse that. So Vex had gotten in bed with him, and Percy had latched on, surprisingly tactile despite his usual reserve; she suspected he never would have done so had he truly been awake.

 

Vex sighed and kissed the top of his head. It was foolish to worry about this now; now she would take what she could get, and offer whatever she could in return. After all, he already had her heart. A bit of comfort was nothing in comparison.


	4. jump scare [perc'ahlia]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prompt: Them instinctually protecting each other, but it turns out it was something silly, not real danger
> 
> inspired by a tangled scene.

Percy officially hated the jungle. 

He was not a person accustomed to warmth, for one thing; now even with his coat off and his sleeves up to his elbows, he was dripping sweat. If they kept going much longer he might have to jump into the bag of colding. For another, they were hopelessly lost in it. A fight with some sort of teleporting arsehole had left himself and Vex stranded far away from their party; they had killed the arsehole in question, but now they needed to find everyone else. 

“Percy,” Vex said suddenly, just before he thwacked at yet another tangle of vines with his sword. “Be quiet, I think I heard something.” 

He froze. Vex’s instincts, he had learned long ago, were to be trusted. 

There was a rustle in a nearby bush. Vex edged around him, bow drawn–he barely had time to realize she was trying to protect him when– 

“NOT THIS TIME, YOU–oh.” 

It was a rabbit. Vex had an arrow pointed at its eye. 

“Careful,” Percy drawled, “it could still be dangerous. Shall I get my grenade?” 

Vex glared at him, blushing. “Oh, let’s get a move on,” she said, and stomped into the brush.


	5. gyrfalcon [perc'ahlia]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: vex finds percy an animal companion of his own.

“Percy,” said Vex, straddling his workbench, “I found you something lovely.”

Percy blinked and looked up from the metal he’d been welding together. Bringing presents was mostly _his_ job–not that he minded–and Vex didn’t seem to be carrying anything. She was bouncing with excitement, though. “Oh? What is it?”

“Upstairs,” said Vex. She glanced over him critically–his faceplate, heavy leather apron, thick leather gloves. “You should keep the gloves, though.”

Now thoroughly bemused and curious, Percy stripped out of most of his gear and followed Vex up the stairs. She led him through Whitestone castle to the courtyard and then to the old mews. They used to keep birds there–Percy remembered watching his father, Julius, and Vesper go hawking. He had even gone himself a few times when he could be pried from the workshop. But why–

Vex led him to a perch, where a gyrfalcon was resting with a bandaged wing. At their approach it turned, first to Vex and then to Percy; it seemed to Percy that the eye it turned on him was rather more critical.

“This girl had a broken wing,” Vex said softly, as if she didn’t want to disturb it. “Most of the time she wouldn’t survive, but I found her and said I would heal her, so she’s been staying here. And now she would like to come with us, but I’m worried Trinket will get jealous…” She smiled at him meaningfully.

“You’re giving the bird to me?” Percy asked. The gyrfalcon squawked. “Pardon me, madam.” She could understand–right. He wondered if that just happened to animals who were around people like Vex; otherwise Percy might need to consider vegetarianism. “You want me to be her…ah, partner?”

“Cassandra told me you’ve some experience with hawking,” said Vex. “Would you like to?”

Percy considered. He knew how much Vex loved Trinket, and how Trinket loved Vex with single-minded determination; but then, she had told him how she had raised Trinket from infancy. This falcon…she looked proud, Percy decided. He had never seen a falcon that didn’t. He could not speak with her, but having another set of eyes and talons on the battlefield…

He reached out a hand, and the gyrfalcon graciously allowed him to stroke her feathers, then climbed up onto his fingers, her talons digging into the leather of his gloves. She would be magnificent in the air, with those powerful wings… “I don’t see why not,” said Percy. “Does she–pardon me, do you have a name?”

“I’ve already asked. It’s nothing we can pronounce, but if you want to call her something, she doesn’t mind,” said Vex.

Percy considered. He had never named another creature before–just his guns. “How do you feel about Zephyr? It’s appropriate, if nothing else.”

Vex hip-checked him. “A bit lacking in imagination, perhaps.”

Very deliberately, Percy ignored her. “Zephyr Vex’ahlia Vox Machina Kl–”

“Percy,” Vex laughed, and Zephyr squawked in protest.

“Just Zephyr,” he assured the both of them, grinning. “I look forward to our partnership, then.”


	6. uncle [perc'ahlia, vax]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: percy sicking his and vex's small army of daughters on vax

“Janna, get off my bookshelves, you’ll pull it over–Rosamund, darling, you can’t play with my glasses–” Percy detached his youngest’s hand from the frame. He loved his children, but sometimes he missed the days when he could just have his workshop to himself, not worry about things like– “VICTORIA PUT THAT DOWN NOW.”

“Domestic life suits you, I see,” said a familiar voice in the doorway. Percy was too busy trying to find a bag of powder to make sure his oldest daughter’s hands weren’t permanently scarred by acid.

 _Triplets._ What _had_ Vex been thinking? At least Elaine, while she had broken into his workshop like the rest, was studying his sketchbook intently rather than making a mess.

“It suits me fine when annoying uncles aren’t breaking into my workshop,” said Percy with a beleaguered sigh, turning to his brother-in-law. Well, mostly brother-in-law. He and Vex were technically living in sin, but they had done so through ten years and four children. Vax looked tired, with bags under his eyes and a too-thin face, but he was grinning at the sight of the children.

Percy made an executive decision, and whistled.

At the piercing shriek, his daughters immediately came to attention. He was not a stern parent, but Vex and he had trained them well in case of emergency. Percy very carefully pried Rosamund from his coat and set her down on the ground. “Girls,” he said, and pointed at Vax. “Get him.”

“Ooooh no you don’t–” It was too late; Vax was buried under a toddler and three giggling seven-year-olds, putting up feeble protests and tickling whoever he could reach.

Percy leaned against the work bench and enjoyed the sight; it had been too long since Vax really laughed.


	7. scanlan's no good very bad battle [polymachina]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have now reached the end of perc'ahlia fest 2k16! i wrote most of those prompts shortly after percy's resurrection, so. things should get a little more varied now.
> 
> prompts: Polymachina, Scanlan has a bad day; Intangible gifts; How does everyone act when they’re drunk
> 
> I combined the first two. warning for temporary major character death. got a little experimental on the POV.

They really should have seen it coming.

 

Scanlan is capable, but he isn’t a fighter like the rest of them. He had come out of so many ridiculous plans unscathed, somehow they had begun to think of him as invincible when he is truly, ridiculously fragile.

 

So it takes a minute for the shock to set in when the pieces of him fall from the dragon’s maw.

 

The rest of the battle against Thordak is a blur–arrows and gunshots and axes and lightning–and when the cinder king falls, it isn’t his body Vox Machina runs to. “I have to bring him back,” Pike’s crying, holy light fizzling at her fingertips. “I promised Kaylie, I promised–”

 

They’re all exhausted. Vax is healing who he can; he is the only one whose powers aren’t entirely depleted, and their potions were all used during the battle. Keyleth touches Pike’s shoulder and tries not to focus on what’s left of Scanlan. If she does, she thinks she might throw up. “Can you? Do you have anything left?”

 

“I don’t know,” Pike sobs. She strips off her gauntlets; strength can’t help her now; the ritual takes a steady hand. “I…maybe…” _Sarenrae, please._

 

Vex touches down from her broom. Blood is falling down her face in a sheet, but she flicks it away impatiently even as she wobbles, digging in her bag for a gem.

 

“Alright,” says Grog, his voice quiet. He’s seen a lot of fucked-up things–he remembers seeing Pike when she was killed, and she was in pieces too. Scanlan’s body looks the same, wrong, and any second Grog expects him to pull a just-kidding and laugh at them all. Except Scanlan wouldn’t fuck them over like this, he’s always trying to make them _happy_. He takes a deep breath. Grog might not be the smartest, but he can be the toughest. “Pike, tell us what you need to do. We need to–to draw some shit, right?”

 

“Right,” Pike says. Her shoulders spasm, once, and then they all get to work.

 

It doesn’t take long for them to set everything up. And then Pike prays. Her spells were long burned up, but Sarenrae…Scanlan turned his whole life around for his daughter, right? That’s redemption, isn’t it?

 

Golden light flows through her, and she hears her goddess say, yes.

 

When she speaks again, her voice is shaky with relief. “It’s starting. If you have something to give…”

 

Silence. And then Percy steps forward. “I think,” he says, “a song would be appropriate.”

 

Vax chokes on something that might be a laugh. “Or a shitty limerick, maybe?”

 

“Just go,” says Pike; she can feel the ritual’s energy gathering; her spell needs all the juice it can get.

 

It’s Keyleth who actually pipes up first. “Remember when he, um…” She clears her throat and pipes up, slightly off-key. “When I get that feeling, I want…Scanlan healing.”

 

An odd, hysterical giggle makes its way around the group, but somehow when the divine energy blasts from Pike’s hands, they’re still singing.

 

Golden light hits Scanlan’s body, so bright they can barely see the silhouette of what’s left of him inside, pieces of him knitting together and lifting into the air. The scorched ground cracks and rumbles, and then the light fades.

 

Scanlan falls to the ground. Breathes.

 

Percy kneels beside him, the only one of their group not frozen in anticipation; and then he smacks Scanlan across the face.

 

“What the fuck?” says the gnome groggily. He blinks, looks around at the rest of them. “Did we win?”

 

“Don’t you ever do that again,” Pike says, furiously stomps over, and pulls him into a divinely-strong embrace.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Scanlan wakes up in a tangle of bodies in the mansion’s living room. Vax is curled around his back, Grog is providing a snoring body pillow for about four of their group, Pike’s holding his hand…If he’d known being bitten in half was all he needed to get this much affection, he’d have–

 

Still not gotten bitten in half by a dragon. He already sleeps with all these people, gods, and he feels like shit.

 

Still, Scanlan thinks, stretching–his middle is still sore from being bitten in half, and he isn’t sure if his spine will ever align correctly again–there are worse things to wake up to.


	8. deal [vax/grog]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unprompted. you know that otp prompt that's like, "imagine your otp staring at the ceiling, embarrassed by the filthy sex they just had"?
> 
> yeah. not smut, but an explicit discussion is had.

Vax felt as if he’d just fought a battle. Admittedly he couldn’t recall a battle where some…particular parts had felt this sore, but he was winded and breathing hard, heart still going too fast. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to walk straight for a week. Big guy indeed.

 

“So,” Vax said. His voice came out too hoarse; he cleared his throat. “So, uh. That was…something.”

 

Grog looked at Vax from the corner of his eye. Vax was doing the same. He didn’t feel quite up to looking straight at him at the moment. “It was fucking good, right?” He chuckled. “Good fuckin’, too.”

 

“Yeah, yeah.” If Grog could laugh at it, Vax didn’t have to feel so self-conscious. He sat up and examined the finger-shaped welts on his hips. “Don’t get too full of yourself.”

 

“Ain’t that _you_ –”

 

Okay, he’d set himself up for that one. Vax forged on. “Next time, I’m on top.” Vax depended on the corner of his vision again to see Grog’s reaction. He’d been the bedmate of too many men who just wanted so see what fucking a man felt like, then got offended when Vax wanted a little reciprocation. It wasn’t like he’d talked out all this with Grog before they’d gotten into bed.  Until the goliath cornered him in the hallway a few hours before, Vax had been under the impression his tastes only ran towards women.

 

To his surprise, though, Grog merely shrugged. “Okay, but I wanna get sucked off after.”

 

Vax thought about saying he wasn’t sure it would fit, but they’d already proven it could fit in other tight spaces. He sighed melodramatically and flopped back on the bed. “Yeah, alright.” He elbowed Grog’s meaty arm, and silence fell once again.

 

Really, what did you say after you’d just had the life fucked out of you by one of your teammates? It wasn’t–romantic, not really. Vax could do romance, flowery speeches if he had to. Wasn’t like he didn’t care about Grog, but there wasn’t…drama about it the way there was when he and Keyleth were together, or even when he had his flirtation with Shaun.

 

He had a feeling he could get comfortable with it given time, but right now he just felt damned awkward. Vax shifted, trying to see if any of his clothes had made it off in one piece.

 

“You about to do that walking away thing again?”

 

“…No?”

 

Grog grunted. Vax wasn’t sure if the lie stuck; but then Grog rolled over, slung his arm across Vax’s waist, and pressed his own face against the pillow. “Night, then. And don’t cut off my damned beard while I’m sleepin’.”

 

Vax laughed. “Not when you’re this close to my nads, I won’t.” He patted Grog’s hand, thought about trying to hold it, and decided against it. Grog didn’t seem like the type. Instead he just…relaxed, stretching his arms above his head. “Night, Grog.”


	9. everyone's favorite nephew [trinket, gen]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: Trinket aka. everyone's favorite nephew
> 
> notes: series of ficlets inside a ficlet series! ficlet-ception!!! not in chronological order.

**vax -**

He was just about to sneak away when the bear’s jaws closed around his elbow.

“Trinket, wha–” he managed, and then the damned thing shoved him down and sat on him, broad furry chest and thick legs pinning him to the dirty cavern ground.

“I think,” said Vex with a smirk, “he believes charging off without a plan is a bad idea, too.”

Vax groaned. Trinket whuffed and licked his face.

**keyleth -**

Keyleth leaned against the bear’s side, her face half-submerged in his fur. Percy complained about Trinket being smelly, sometimes (”like wet dog”) but she had never noticed; to her the smell was comforting. Homey.

Of course, said bear was trying to scoot away from her now, which was not so comforting.

“Come on, Trinket,” said Keyleth, letting a whine creep into her voice. “What’s wrong?”

“No more bows,” said the bear. “Never again.” He considered. “Maybe for Vex’ahlia.”

“No more bows, I promise,” she said solemnly. “Besides, Vax started it, not me.”

Trinket huffed and turned to her, still suspicious. “ _Promise_ promise?”

“Of course. What can I do to make it up to you?” Keyleth wheedled.

His head tilted. “Honey, please?”

Vex didn’t let him have it that often; she said it was bad for his health. But Keyleth wanted to be the cool aunt, dammit. “Sure,” she said, grinning. “I’ll get some right now.”

**pike -**

“It’s okay, buddy, I’ve got you,” Pike said soothingly. She hoped it was soothingly. How did one soothe a bear?

Trinket wheezed painfully; she thought his ribs must be broken, his chest armor was so dented. She tugged it off, sweet-talking him through his pained groans. “Who’s a good bear? You’re a good bear, so brave, taking on all those nasty monsters…”

Finally she got the armor off, and Trinket let out a wheeze that sounded more relieved than pained. “Nooow we can heal this, yes we can,” said Pike. She was glad that being a healer had given her such a strong stomach. The ribs were bad enough, but the armor had exacerbated the injury. Bits of bone poked though Trinket’s fur, and the whole area was as dented as the armor had been. She was surprised he was still even conscious.

“ _Heeere_ you go, sweetie. That’s it.” Radiant energy flowed from Pike’s fingertips, healing the wound. When it was over, Trinket flopped back, relaxed instead of the pained tension he had held before, and scooched over so he could lick Pike’s hand and then her face.

Bear drool dripped into the neck of her armor. Laughing, Pike shoved his snout away. “Any time, buddy. Any time.”

**percy -**

Whitestone’s courtyard was cold, but the bear was very much not, something Percy appreciated. In hindsight, coming out here in his pyjamas was not his wisest decision, even if he had brought a blanket.

As he relaxed into the bear’s side, Trinket huffed sleepily and turned to him, eyelids half open.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Percy whispered. It was silly; he felt too self-conscious around everyone else to speak of this, but it wasn’t as if Trinket would tell anyone, right?

Trinket made a questioning noise.

“Just a few nightmares,” said Percy. He grinned at the bear. Trinket was a bit blurry without his glasses. “I thought you might be able to fight them off.”

The bear made a noise that Percy thought was affirmative.

“Good man,” he said, and settled in for a night’s rest.

**grog -**

_I bet I can take him_ , thought Grog. “I bet I can take you,” said Grog.

Trinket said, _huh?_ Which, how stupid was this guy? Grog had been pretty clear.

“I mean, I know you’re a bear and all,” said Grog, “but still, I bet I could kick your ass. Come on, Trinket. You an’ me, let’s go. Won’t even get my hammer.”

“Grog, no,” said Vex.

“Grog _yes_ ,” said Vax, grinning. “I want to see him get his arse kicked.”

Grog put down his bag and and his hammer and charged.

Trinket was a real warrior; none of that talkin’ it out shit. When Grog hit him, he hit back, hard, snarling. Grog chuckled menacingly (Pike said he giggled, but Pike was wrong) and kicked out at Trinket’s side, and it was on.

When it ended, Grog was stuck under Trinket’s hind paws. “Tie?” he suggested.

**scanlan -**

When Scanlan approached with his hands behind his back and a broad grin on his face, Trinket recoiled. He had learned not to trust him, Scanlan thought, which–really, what had he ever done to the guy? “Listen, I know I may have called you useless and slow and baggage in the past,” said Scanlan.

Trinket blew a cloud of smelly air at him.

“And I still mostly stand by that. The necklace thing is cool, though. Anyway.” Scanlan cleared his throat. “I come _bear_ -ing a gift. To turn over a new leaf, as it were.”

Scanlan didn’t know bear, but he knew an audience. Trinket was curious; he could just tell. He pushed the box in front of him. “Go on, open it.”

With one final, suspicious look, Trinket pressed his snout to the box. His little beady eyes opened, and he tore into it, cardboard sticking between his teeth.

Inside was Grog’s eight-gallon-whatever magic jar, full of honey. Trinket promptly stuck his nose in the pot.

“We good, man?”

_Slurp._

“Yeah. We’re good."


	10. role reversal [grog + pike, gen]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: grog x pike (brotp please)
> 
> pike's the healer, but sometimes grog's gotta take care of her, too.

"Grog, really, I'm--it's fine," said Pike.  Her eyes were all red and puffy, and her nose was pink, and Grog knew  _lots_ of things about Pike.  He knew what this was.

 

"If it was  _fine,_ you wouldn't be crying in here."  He folded into one of the temple's hard wooden benches.  Used to be he'd come to the temple all the time with Pike when they were kids.  He'd never been a  _religious_ type--too much talking, not enough killing/women/ale--but he'd gone for her.  Got out of the habit when they'd all split up.  Maybe he should start again; the temple seemed lonely, now.  He bumped her with his shoulder.  "Come on, buddy.  Tell me about it."

 

Pike sniffled.  "It's kind of a private thing," she said.

 

Grog thought for a second and then held out his pinkie.  "I won't tell nobody," he promised.  Pike looked at it, then up and him, and then she smiled a little and linked hers with his.

 

"Okay," she said.  "So I'm, um, sort of in love with someone."

 

_Oh, that's it?_ thought Grog, but he wasn't  _that_ much of a dick.  And then  _who are they so I can tell them not to hurt you._ But they'd already hurt her, right, if she was off crying in here?

 

"Tell me who they are and I'll kick their ass," said Grog.  "What'd they do?"

 

She let out a watery laugh.  "Nothing, Grog.  It's...complicated."  She leaned into his side and swiped at her eyes and nose, but just smeared tears and snot all over her face.  Pike was about the ugliest crier he'd ever met.  It was kind of adorable.  "Thanks for listening, though.  I know you don't care about this stuff."

 

"You're my buddy.  I care about  _your_ stuff," said Grog loyally.

 

Pike laughed again.  "Yeah, yeah.  Still, thanks."  She buried her face in his chest and got gooey stuff all over it, but Grog had had grosser so he didn't really mind.  "Wanna go make some hot chocolate?  I feel like hot chocolate."

 

"Hell yeah," said Grog.  He stood and picked Pike up with him.  He couldn't kick someone's ass for Pike, but he could make some hot chocolate for her.


	11. gay chicken [vax/grog]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: vax/grog, gay chicken (exactly what it says on the tin)
> 
> after i wrote this i found out it was a REAL GAME, so i hope that wasn't what chrys was looking for.

Vax really just had himself to blame for this.

 

His and Grog's weird sleeping-together-and-not-talking-about-it thing had gone on for long enough that Vax was starting to get pissed.   _He_ hadn't told anyone, sure, but  _Grog_ hadn't told anyone either--Grog who couldn't keep his damned mouth shut about  _anything else._ Except this.  Apparently.  It wasn't like Vax particularly wanted to tell everyone.  He just didn't want to be Grog's dirty little secret, that's all.  He'd done that before in Syngorn; it put a bad taste in his mouth.

 

So tonight he'd thought, if Grog wasn't going to say anything, he'd just have to be so  _unsubtle_ that Grog would  _have_ to say something.  

 

(Vax couldn't say anything himself.  That would make it too easy.)

 

Possibly he'd gotten in a little over his head, here.

 

Vox Machina decided to party in the rebuilt Emon, and Vax started at the bar.  It was packed, everyone eager to celebrate after the dragons' departure; most of their group was squashed together in a corner, everyone talking over each other, their tankards never empty thanks to a bar full of grateful patrons.  After a drink he'd stuck his hand on Grog's knee and just...left it.  Grog didn't even seem to notice.

 

Then he slid his hand up the goliath's leg.  Grog started.  "The fuck?"

 

Vax grinned lazily back.  "Problem?"

 

Grog's eyes narrowed.  "Nope.  You know what?"  He patted his lap.  "Come on and have a seat."

 

By now Scanlan, Percy, and Vex had noticed what was going on--Keyleth and Pike were half-passed out already--and Scanlan wolf-whistled.  "Are you guys gonna make out?  No one  _ever_ makes out drunk anymore."

 

"Well not now that  _you've_ said it," said Vax, climbing onto Grog's lap, at the same time Vex said, "Please don't."

 

It was sort of nice; Vax hadn't done any public affection in a while, and he'd missed that.  Especially with men.  He'd never been _serious_ with a man, and--

 

Under the table, Grog grabbed his ass.  Vax jumped.

 

"First one to back out loses," said Grog in an undertone.

 

"Ooh, are you talking dirty?" asked Scanlan.  "Come on, Grog, share with the class!"

 

"That's it, I'm out," said Vex, standing.  "Come on, Percy."  She grabbed his hand, and the two disappeared into the throng.

 

"Nothing's going on, Scanlan," said Vax through gritted teeth, and tried to act casual, which was very difficult when he was also trying to slouch down  _just_ enough to feel Grog up too.  "You know what?  I could use another drink."

 

He leaned forward and used the motion to grind against Grog; felt rather than saw the giant jerk under him.  Ale slopped out of Vax's tankard, and he settled back with a smirk.   _Let's see you top_ that.

 

Grog's eyes narrowed, and he wrapped one broad arm around Vax's waist, dragging him so his back was flush with Grog's chest.  His fingers dangled near Vax's belt.   _Oh gods, he's going to jerk me off in a bar,_ Vax thought, his face going warm.  But--no, his waistline was well above the edge of the table.  And even  _Grog_ wouldn't go there.  Nope, there was just a goliath-sized hard-on poking him instead.

 

Vax gulped down the remnants of his tankard and held it in front of his crotch.  Alright, so this had been a bad idea.  Grog's hips rolled; Vax held on to the bench.  

 

 _Fuck it,_ he thought, dropped the tankard, and swiveled around.  "Really?"

 

"You started it," said Grog, giving him a lopsidedly drunk grin.

 

Vax didn't have an answer to that, so he just kissed the big guy instead.

 

* * *

 

Vax emerged from his room the next morning with a pounding headache, one Grog's snoring only intensified.  He rolled over his bedmate, caught himself narrowly before he could fall onto the floor, and made his way downstairs.

 

Pike was the only other person up.  She gave him a smug grin.

 

"So, uh," said Vax, "if I remember right, pretty much everyone saw me making out with Grog last night."

 

"Ooh, I didn't," sing-songed Pike.  "I did see him carrying you upstairs, though."

 

"Great," said Vax sarcastically.  But he found himself smirking as he fixed himself a cup of coffee.


	12. spicin' it [polymachina]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prompt: Polymachina just dancing around like silly things. OR they actually find drugs, but it's something good like it gives them chill feelings and heightens sensations so cuddling feels amazing OR Grog/Vax pranking each other with cultural food.
> 
> obviously, I went with the drugs.

"This is so  _weird,_ " said Scanlan, delighted.  This suude stuff was  _great._ Not 400-gold-for-two-bags great, but still.  Pretty fuckin' great.  He waved his hand in front of his face.  He could feel the  _air move._ "Thank yooooouuu, Jarrett."

 

Vax had taken some with Scanlan ("I've wanted to get high with you for  _so long_ ") and was now in a similar state.  "You guys have  _got_ to try this," he said.  Then he grabbed Scanlan around the waist.  "Holy shit!"

 

"Holy shit!" Scanlan said at the same time, eyes wide; they made eye contact and then broke into giggles.  Hugging felt  _great._ Like, Vax was warm, and his tunic was kinda scratchy but also soft but also...tingly?  He flung his arms around Vax's neck.  "Oh my god.  This was such a good idea.  Everyone take some  _right now._ "

 

"I don't know..." Keyleth started.

 

" _Now,_ drunkie," said Scanlan.

 

It didn't take long for suude's buzz to kick in with everyone, and then it sort of...devolved.  Everyone spent a good ten minutes hugging each other and stumbling around the mansion's living room, which Scanlan had taken to stocking with loads of futons in preparation for the inevitable orgy once they'd begun to group up.  And then the futons got pushed together, and it turned into a giant pile of people instead.

 

"Wow, Percy," said Scanlan.  "This is just like when you died.  Except you're alive now."

 

Percy kept pushing his glasses against his skin, startling at the cold each time.  "Lovely," he said.

 

Scanlan sighed happily and stuck his face right into the closest thing near him, which was Vex's stomach.  "Next time..." he started, and then got distracted by the feathers in her braid.

 

"Next time what?" prompted Vex, slapping a stolen feather from his hand.

 

"Next time," said Scanlan, "we should all take it anally."


	13. three-sentence fics [grog'ildan, perc'ildan, vaxmore]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I opened up my askbox to three-sentence fics on tumblr the other day, so here are all the ones I did for Critical Role!
> 
> the prompts I got were:
> 
> grog'ildan - bodyguard au  
> vaxmore - coffee shop au  
> perc'ildan - paul blart mall cop au (apparently I got off easy here, as my friend also considered sending a furry au)  
> grog'ildan - zombie au

**grog/vax - bodyguard au**

Vax would’ve thought that Syldor’s latest attempt to keep him from sneaking about was pathetic if he wasn’t having so much damned fun.

“You work for me,” he laughed from where the goliath had him pinned against the wall, “what’s it matter if I pick your pocket?”

Grog said something in response, something with a lot of four-letter words mixed in, but Vax was too busy wondering how much more he could push the man before he well and truly snapped to pay attention.

* * *

 

**gilmore/vax - coffee shop au**

“It would be much easier to stare at me if you were sitting over here,” said the regular, patting the arm of the seat next to him and offering Vax a small smile.

Vax froze, but he knew what to do when he’d been caught out; he grinned at the man and moved to the seat he’d indicated.  “View’s better up close,” he said, and, taking a tip out of his sister’s book, he winked.

* * *

 

**percy/vax - paul blart: mall cop au**

“Don’t get too full of yourself just ‘cause you caught me,” Vax grumbled, jerking his arm against the rent-a-cop’s iron grip, “you drive a  _moped._ ”

“And you got caught stealing from Hot Topic, so who’s really the winner here?” snapped the rent-a-cop.

Vax shut up.

* * *

 

**grog/vax - zombie apocalypse au**

Grog didn’t get what the big deal was; they were just scratch marks, barely even hurt when Vax cleaned them out.  

“It’s just scratches now, but you could get bitten; at least wear a fuckin’ shirt, Grog, Jesus Christ,” snapped Vax, and pressed his damp rag too hard into the oozing cuts.

Used to be he would’ve cracked a joke about Vax wanting his shirts off, most of the time, but now Grog just rolled his eyes and knew he’d be digging up the most lumberjack-looking flannel he could find; his family didn’t need to lose him for something stupid.


	14. under consideration [perc'ahlia]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put this on tumblr ages ago and I'm never going to write a story to go with it, so here we are.
> 
> Basically, this is an AU where Percy and Vex become friends with benefits pre-stream and everyone is bi. If I actually wrote it it would probably be a load of thinly disguised gun/dick symbolism.

“Do you want to have sex?” Vex asked, and Percy nearly had a heart attack.

They were on a hill overlooking the site of a recent battle where their colleagues were collecting spoils.  Some overconfident bandits had decided to attack Vox Machina, and Vex and Percy had stayed out of the melee to do what they did best.  So Vex’s question was a complete non sequitur, and Percy–who took pride in having an answer for everything–found himself at a loss.

“Right–right now?” he asked, face warming.  He glanced at Vex, saw she was smirking at him, and hastily busied himself with reloading the pepperbox.

“Kinky, but no,” said Vex.  “We should reach Westruun by tonight, so…then.”

Percy considered this.  “…Why?”

“Because you’re hot and it’s been a while for me.”  Percy fidgeted with the barrels of the pepperbox, still not quite able to look her in the eye.  “If you’re not interested, dear, it’s not a problem.  It’s just sex.”

Percy cleared his throat, and wished he wasn’t wearing so many layers for once.  He was feeling unaccountably warm.  “It’s been…well, never.  For me.”

He glanced over at Vex, and saw a look of surprise flash over her face, there and gone in an instant.  “That’s still not a problem.  Yes or no, Percival.”

Sex.  With Vex’ahlia.  

It wasn’t as if he had never  _thought_ about it, as a concept.  But before the Briarwoods, he had spent most of his time sequestered in his workshop, seeing few people besides his family.  After the Briarwoods, he had had other things on his mind.  Sex, romance–they had never been a priority.

Still, it hadn’t escaped his notice that almost all of his companions were extremely attractive.  And..well, they were partners, weren’t they?  Comrades-in-arms?

“…I’ll consider it?” he managed.

Vex bumped her shoulder against his.  Percy nearly dropped his gun.  “Don’t make me wait too long.  I may just find someone else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/kudos are <3.


	15. love potion [vaxgrog]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello rarepair, i've missed you.
> 
> anon prompt from tumblr: "Oooh a Fic prompt idea? What if Vax had used the love potion on Grog as jokes but it backfires on him"

Vax generally assumed that no one wasn’t at least a little bit attracted to their own gender.  There were too many attractive people in the world, to his mind, for anyone to deprive themselves like that.  But he had allowed for a few exceptions to the rule, and Grog was one of them.  The goliath had pretty thoroughly denied ever swinging that way in one drunken conversation, and he had given Vax no reason to doubt his preferences afterwards.

So once Vax spiked Grog’s tankard with love potion, he had no reason to think that smacking Grog’s arm and going, “How’s it taste, big guy?” was a bad idea.

Grog stared at him, dumbstruck.  “Vax, holy shit,” he said, and then just.  Grabbed Vax’s face.  Well, he probably meant to cup Vax’s chin but his hands were so big that Vax’s whole face ended up squished.

“Um,” said Vax.

“You’re, like,” Grog leaned in, peering.  “You’re a really pretty guy.  Has anyone ever told you that you’re pretty?”

“What’s going on over there?” Vax heard Keyleth ask.  He couldn’t see her, of course, on account of the giant fucking hand holding him in place.

That was when Vax realized he had maybe, possibly, made a terrible mistake.

“Thank you, Grog, I know I’m pretty,” he said, and then with all his ounce of strength he pulled away, snapped out his wings, and flew into the rafters.

Grog leapt to his feet. “Vax! Come back here, you fucker, I gotta tell you something!”

“Not a chance in hell—”

“BUT I LOVE YOU!”

“WHAT,” said Vex, “THE FUCK. IS HAPPENING.”

“Vax won’t let me love him,” said Grog.  A crash echoed around the room as Scanlan literally fell out of his chair laughing.

“IgaveGrogalovepotionbutIthoughthewasn’tintomenandIguessheisbecausehe’sinlovewithmenowpleasehelp,” said Vax.  To Grog, he added, “You know I love you, big man, settle down.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Vex and Keyleth look at each other.  “So you thought that he would just fall in love with one of us?” Keyleth asked, eyes narrowing.

Oh, gods, Vax had made a  _big_ mistake.  “Um,” he said.

“Yeah, this is your problem,” said Vex.  “Guys? Why don’t we give the lovebirds some privacy.”

“ _Um._ ”

Vax ended up sleeping in a hidden corner of the courtyard that night.  Grog left the keep to prove his love via killing a mighty beast, which Vax only discovered because he woke to said mighty beast’s corpse being dropped on him.  His corner was, apparently, not that hidden.

“I hate you so much,” said Vax from under the dead—alligator? Probaby an alligator, or a very small dragon.

“I hate you more.”

“Really?  I thought you looooooo— _ow._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments & kudos make my day!!
> 
> find me on tumblr @knifekiri


	16. pranks [vaxgrog]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't decide whether I wanted this to be in my own fic verse or not. So if you like "Thinking Too Much" you can decide this happens in that canon! If you don't care about that, then this is just an AU where Vax lived but he and Keyleth broke up at some point. Don't worry about it.
> 
> prompt from myopicmickey: "Grog and Vax on an adrenaline high after running away from the scene of a really good prank they pulled. Laughing all the way to a moderately decent hiding spot (really bad as far as Vax's standards go, but Grog just can't vanish into thin air like some people). The only reason they're caught is bc they start making out. But like, Vex's reaction is like a whole successful prank in itself. Grog is far too smug about it."

Oh, gods, Vex was going to  _kill them._ Vax bit down on his knuckles to muffle his laughter, but the shelves of the closet he and Grog had chosen for a hiding place still rattled, and Grog’s giggles came out in loud little bursts.  Vax shoved his free hand over Grog’s mouth, and Grog took the hint—sort of; he took a deep, forced breath.  And then started giggling again.

“They was—they were  _pink,_ ” Grog hissed out, sliding down the side of the closet.  Thank fuck they hadn’t tried to hide in an armoire, at least.  

“I know.”   _Deep breaths, Vax, you’ve seen much better—_

“With  _sparkles._ ”

“Shut up, oh my gods,” said Vax.  The look on Percy’s  _face._

The goliath was in the middle of a giggle fit so he couldn’t say it, but he bounced his eyebrows in a way that Vax knew meant,  _Make me._  And hell.  Vex was definitely going to kill them for enchanting her children’s bathtub to turn everyone placed in it pink and sparkly; he might as well enjoy life while he still could.  So he shoved Grog’s shoulder’s down until he was at a reasonable height and kissed him.  

It didn’t start out too well.  They were both still laughing—well, Grog worse than him.  But Grog caught on well enough after a moment and everything clicked into place, Vax feeling up Grog’s corded muscle, one of Grog’s giant hands landing on Vax’s ass.

“Why do you always wear so much fuckin’ armor?” Grog complained.

It was difficult to act annoyed when Vax felt so lightheaded, but for Grog, he managed.  “You’re not getting me naked in a—”

The door slammed open. Vex stood there, face red, hands streaked with damp, pink, sparkly skin.  Her eyes darted between them and widened.

Vax blinked.  “Quick, Grog, ravish me so she’ll leave,” he said, only half-joking, but Vex let out an otherworldly shriek and slammed the door shut on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos give me liiiife. and if you have a short vaxgrog prompt i will at least think about writing it--I'm in a mood, tbh.


	17. push-ups [vaxgrog]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> twinvax on tumblr asked for them working out together or practicing fighting. i wrote this instead. oops.

“This is demeaning,” said Vax, fiddling with one of his daggers for lack of anything better to do. “I feel demeaned.” Nothing like having to sit on your boyfriend’s back for 100 push-ups just so he could win a bet.

“You look great! Very sexy,” Scanlan offered, not really helping, but Vax tried to strike a pose anyway. He got caught up in his cloak and had to grab onto Grog’s obliques to stay steady.

“Watch it,” Grog said, slowly pushing himself up off the ground. One side effect of the big man never wearing a fucking shirt was that there was not nearly enough friction, here.

So despite being an uncomfortable mix of bored and turned on, Vax tried to sit still. He had seen Grog do push-ups a hundred times, apparently just to prove he could, but it was different when he could actually feel his back muscles flex. Not entirely unlike the difference between seeing Grog’s arm muscles and feeling him press Vax against the wall. Vax poked Grog just under his shoulder blade, just to be a shit, and was rewarded with an annoyed noise.

“Fifty,” said Grog, pausing at the top, and Keyleth let out an encouraging whoop. This was actually push-up number sixty-three. Vax sighed.


End file.
